True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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