Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
