I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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