If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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