Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
