It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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