Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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