I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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