and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
