What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
