he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
