dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize