Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
