I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
