Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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