Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
