Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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