So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
