When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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