Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
