you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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