wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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