Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
