Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
