she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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