I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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