this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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