I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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