I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
