Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
