defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize