tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
