textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
