Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize