the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
