it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
