I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
