This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
