I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize