She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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