Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
