Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
