you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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