i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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