My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
