what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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