I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
