dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
