i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
