Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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