This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
