Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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