he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
