he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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