Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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