Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
