I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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