I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
