I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
