my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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