I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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