we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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