Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
