I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
