This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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